Everything Bianca

So Many Pies, So Few Fingers

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Wasted Day / Great Day
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That would be Sunday. I decided, in a moment of profound stupidity, to make myself stay awake until 11pm... like "normal" people instead of going to bed when I wanted to circa 7pm.

I did. I was sleep till 4, 5 ... 8 am when I got out of bed.

I never woke up the whole fucking day. Felt like utter sludge. I never woke up. Seriously, it's a weird feeling. Even after the 16oz coffee I sorta just stared out into space thinking... No, actually, I wasn't thinking.

Also, I was cold. Bone cold. Then I was hot. Joe was convinced I was sick. I didn't feel sick. I felt tired, and angry, and like "FUCK NORMAL PEOPLE." But hey, it was Sunday, so not like it mattered.

I finally said "fuck this fucked up waste of a day" and went to bed at 4pm.

4am, I wake up and I'm all like, "Fuck yeah. Awesome day en route."

And you know what? It's feeling like an awesome day. So what if I sleep at proper 'night' and wake up at the ass neck of dawn? SO WHAT? I FEEL AWESOME.

And this is all that matters.

Also, I will give it the off hand consideration that I was in fact in some sort of indescribable, undiagnosable way, unwell. And why? Because I didn't go to bed when I wanted to.

I didn't get shit written yesterday (see above), but I did get plenty written when I didn't go to sleep. *giggles*

I made up something called the Nine Qualities of a Powerful Demonologist. It's a made up talk that I had the main character find in her dead mother's belongings. Also, I wrote the most depressing scene of the year. She finds her mother's house (woman's been dead since she was 9) and she... she was screaming "Mom!" walking through the house. I had to cut that shit short. I was bawling.

*blinks eyes*

ANYWAY... whilst finishing up my fictional lecture I then pulled out my journal and wrote up the 8 or 10... can't recall orders of demons. But not the kind we know, different, and cool. Okay, so, in 'our world' you know how we say there are demons who are ... Actually, let's not waste time repeating things I don't like.

I said one group of demons were the kind that could access the vocal chords of the dead or unconscious, to pass on messages.
Then I said another group were the "Inspirers" (cuz I haven't looked up a prettier word). Basically, these are the kind that help you toward your goal, that keep you in line.
Oh, the other kind was... a word I can't remember, but I wrote it down... the kind that is like a booster shot for an emotion. When you are angry, these kinds can crank it up to 11. Whatever it is you're weak on, these demons can help you with the extra oomph.

I was pretty proud of myself after. It's so easy to change just one on two words and make something OMGWTF EVIL and make it, pretty freaking useful in a pinch.

Today is also a good day because I'm in these leather-smelling boots (*breathes deep* leeeaatheeer) with functional buckles and great heels and... I like boots. I love leather.

Today is a great day.

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After years of trying so hard to be like "normal people with the sleep thing, I went to a sleep doctor. I never found my groove, either, really...I tend to want to stay up late & wake up late, but I always felt guilty about it. So I lived in that sludge for years & years.

The sleep doctor recommended trying light therapy in the morning, and now I have a routine I feel okay about. And I think finding a groove/being happy with your groove is what it's all about. I'm glad you confirmed that yours, albeit not "normal", works for you and that that's what you're gonna do. And hey, if you decide to retire as a gentlewoman farmer someday, your routine is primed for that already.


*giggles* I guess I do have a bit of "farmer's time" in me.

rosefox has a brain/sleep schedule that is out of phase with the earth diurnal cycle. Some of her journal entries go into how she handles that when she's not 9-5'ing her life.

I'd guess you probably were sick. When I'm coming down with something, 24 hours ahead of symptoms I turn into a whiny miserable self-hating wreck of humanity. Like a 3 year old. Then I get sick and feel better because I wasn't actually a total waste of oxygen, just coming down with something.

You did what you needed, your immune system kicked its ass, conquered and all is well.

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